notes on surrendering

3am notes on surrendering that will no doubt be edited and changed in the morning but I wanted to share my raw thoughts for now.

I surrender to my experience not with a white flag but I surrender with acceptance of what is.

A radical acceptance to dive head first into the difficult conversations and the difficult reality that I have weeks to live.

A radical acceptance of my circumstance has freed me from distress.

I see distress in a few people around me, they don't know what to say or what to do around me. Which is fair, it is an unusual experience.

Rare cancer, paraplegic, losing feeling in my right hand…. dying.

It's okay. All you need to say is…..”hello, How are you mate?”

Surrendering is not a bad thing. All it takes is stopping to assess, look around, understanding what you have control over and bring calm through accepting what is.

Surrendering isn't giving up. It isn't giving in from the fight. It is looking at the fight in a different way. It is letting go of any feeling of resistance. What remains is calmness and acceptance.

I cannot get out of my bed. I need assistance with the bathroom and I have a sponge bed bath daily.

Resisting any of this would make the experience different . I think it would make it difficult.

When I arrived in palliative care, I knew that this was it. I knew that this was where I was going to die.

I've been here for 50 plus days now. I think my attitude of calm and acceptance has kept me here this long. Maybe my attitude of calm and acceptance is my version of fight and determination.

I'm yet to get sick of the view out of my window. Some days it is a bit more bland but other days I've been able to watch the seasons truly change from winter to spring.

Seeing a change in the colour of the leaves on the tree and longer days through daylight savings.

Some may say surrendering is giving up.

Surrendering to this experience frees up space to be calm. It frees up space in my mind for love for my friends, my family and for my partner.

I have no choice but to accept my circumstances.

Surrendering makes enduring everything feel easy.

Surrendering = acceptance of what is → calm → go with the flow.